We are SO excited to celebrate XXXposed Heart’s one year anniversary & announce our campaign to employ a member of staff dedicated to our partner work!
As we approach the 1st birthday of our partners of porn addicts support group, it seems like an appropriate time to reflect on the previous year, as is often the case with anniversaries. It occurs to me as I write that, for the wife of a man with a secret sexual life, no matter what that looks like in practice, the life-changing discovery of that secret often tarnishes all the special dates they once cherished and held dear. But not so with this anniversary; this one is a day to be celebrate all that has been claimed from the suffering of our collective experience.
Over the past year that we have been live, we have grown to a membership of 76 women, all based in the UK, all of whom have found us via recommendations, internet searches and sheer desperation. We are also proud to have the resources to signpost countless others to resources and support groups in their own locations.
XXXposed Hearts was born out of a longing to support women through their pain and confusion, as they somehow tried to come to terms with the presence of this addiction in their marriages. Being the partner of a man with lust issues carries its own unique sense of shame. Women fear that the issue is a direct reflection on them, as a wife, a partner, a woman. Women recognize that they need support and understanding and yet, due to shame and confusion, it’s the last thing they want to tell anyone about. Where can they find support that won’t say there’s something wrong with them that our partners seek sexual gratification outside of our marriage?
To highlight the sense of isolation, we wanted to share with you some of the comments made by our group members:
“I feel so embarrassed. That’s why I haven’t been able to tell the people closest to me. I had convinced myself that I was doing it to protect him, but that’s not it. I’m embarrassed by what people will say and think. I feel immense shame about having a failed marriage or one that is struggling so much.”
“I always thought that if people knew they would look at me and think ‘well, no wonder he looks at porn when his wife looks like her.’”
“One of my worries has been that if people find out about my husband’s addiction, they may not let their children come over for play dates in case my kids are a bad influence, as they may have been influenced by my husband’s addiction.”
“I’m the kind of girl that wears her heart on her sleeve, it’s been torture not telling a soul.”
One of the most important things we offer at XXXposed Hearts is a safe place to tell it like it is, no frills, no brave faces, just the whole and horrible truth of this experience. This is not a glamorous group. There are tears and anger and deep, deep sadness. And yet, within all of that, there is amazing beauty that has come from the level of authenticity. The wife of an addict is often starved of intimacy in the place that she needs and expects it most and so, arriving at a place where this exists between women walking the same path feels like an oasis and immediately begins the process of healing. Hearing someone else say “I felt that too”, “that’s normal” and “I understand” are some of the most powerful experiences felt by women who join us.
There is so much that we could write about this group and why it is so important to all women facing this issue in their relationship but it will be better coming from the voices of our members, they say it all…
“The group has given me the opportunity to talk to other women who are going through the same trauma as myself, it’s a very lonely road to travel finding out that the person you married is not the person you thought they were, this group and its members are warm, welcoming and are a lifesaver for someone dealing with porn addiction”
“Back in December, I thought I was alone in this, no one was going through the pain I was, yet XXXposed Hearts showed me that not only was I not alone, but there were, sadly, others in the same pain as I was. In the last few months, I have gained hope, friendship, support and learned an awful lot about looking after myself, which is something else I had not been doing. Everyone in this group is so brave, yet kind and giving and I am privileged to have become part of this group”
“I had nowhere to go, no one who I could talk to about this, especially not friends and family, I didn’t want them to see this bad side of my partner because he is a good man at his core! I was searching for support groups on the internet and FB. There isn’t a lot of online support. I stumbled upon this group and joined. It has truly become my place of safety where I can talk and no one judges you. I have learned such an incredible amount on this group, not only about the addiction but about my partner and myself”
“I love that I can go on here any time of the day or night & know I’m not alone. It’s fantastic that, through our combined efforts, we’ve got so many resources and information in one place. I can tell it like it is, no holds barred. There’s such loving, non-judgmental support on here”
“This group has been my lifeline during one of the most traumatic times I have ever experienced. The love, support, sharing and caring have been paramount to my recovery as well as my husbands! Helping me to understand my situation and his has definitely speeded up the recovery process. But the safety of the group is the most important feature! Moderation is key to keep us safe and the admins are generous and tireless in the time they give to support each and every one of us. The generosity and support of each and every wife is unbelievable, even in their darkest hours they reach out to hold and support each other! I would not be where I am today without this group.”
“This group for me is my secret therapy. I found more here than I ever expected. Thanks to the knowledge and experience shared in this group, I realized how serious, deep and complex the problems are we all are facing. It opened my eyes and made me understand, to some extent, what has happened in my marriage and what is going on with my husband. The information shared in here let me see the facts behind the madness and confusion. What I appreciate the most is support we all get from each other. It is so beautiful, powerful and overwhelming even. It gave me my power back, my confidence, my way back to myself. I feel like I gained a family. I have all these beautiful sisters that share a language and stories and mutual understanding. They all know how it is. I don’t have to explain myself. We all get it, even if our stories aren’t the same, we know what we all are going through. I just can’t even put to words sometimes how grateful I am. The questions that other members ask are often like a light in the deepest darkness. Suddenly I’ll have an “aha” moment and so much more makes sense to me. I can see it all from different perspective. That allowed me to make much better choices for myself. It’s like an underground world, a secret group that is like a secret garden where all the broken hearts can heal and grow again. I am just so thankful and so amazed by all the support, love, understanding and warmth. Through helping others and trying to look at their situations, I’ve been helped to deal with my own difficulties. We really lift each other and ourselves up and out of the mess that we found ourselves in. We made something negative into something positive.”
XXXposed Hearts is a secret support group which exists on Facebook. Because it is a secret group, it cannot be found by a search. The only people who would ever know you are a member are the other group members and nobody outside of the group could ever see what you post or comment within it. The way that people find the group on Facebook is through the page ‘Wives and Partners of Porn Addicts UK’ where there are instructions on how to be invited to join. All new members are checked before being added and the safety and security of the group is our top priority. If you would like to be added to the group please go to https://www.facebook.com/partnersofpornaddictsUK/ and send us a message.
The work that we do at Naked Truth is a lifeline to women, men and families dealing with the fallout of porn and sex addiction. We would love to be able to offer more services and resources to the members of XXXposed Hearts and reach more women and so we are launching our Partner Campaign.
Our aim is to…
– Secure final funding for a new role in ‘Partner Development’
– Develop online support groups
– Offer one-to-one coaching
– Write & publish books & resources
– Provide training and resources for Churches
– Devise awareness & education campaigns
We are looking for 70 people to give £20 a month.
To make our vision possible, visit our Campaign page.